Darkness and Regrets
by Carrie Holbrook
Summary: Leia continues her Jedi training. At the same time, she is struggling with an internal problem.


Mere days after the completion of Leia's lightsaber, Luke told her he wanted them both to travel to Dagobah. She had agreed quickly without any surprise. Though Yoda was gone now, Luke's time there had been very important. Leia sensed Luke wanted to take her there as a means of testing her. This actually pleased Leia, since she wanted to be held to every standard Luke had been.

Reading all of his sister's thoughts, Luke couldn't help smiling, a mischievous glint in his eye. "You really are eager to show me up in everything, aren't you? I knew you were competitive, but come on!"

Leia laughed at his teasing, but then her expression darkened a bit. "I'm so far behind, I should have done all of this years ago. It feels like a race I can never win, that no matter how fast I go, I'll never reach the point I need to. You had your training so many years ago. You said even then Yoda told you…"

"That I was too old to begin." Luke's smile disappeared in an instant. "You're right, he did. Early training is tradition. But Leia, I don't think it's fair to compare your timeline to mine. I think you've been led to this because you're ready for it. You've had Force power you developed almost as early as I did. You weren't ready for the training when we tried it before."

"I should have tried harder." Leia hung her head in shame, but Luke wasn't having that. He reached out and gently tipped her face back up to his.

"You have to try not to feel bad. I've never been angry at you for it. You're doing so well now. This trip will show both of us how much potential you have. It will be good for you to know where you stand."

"Yes it will," Leia whispered, a small smile reappearing on her face. "If we'll be gone for a while, I just have to leave my second-in-command in charge. How long do you think we'll be?'

"I can't give you a definite length of time. When I was there the first time, I didn't finish…" Luke paused, taking a deep breath as he gathered his thoughts. "Because of that, I'm not sure of everything I will need to teach you. We'll see where things lead us."

Leia only nodded in reply, but was clearly satisfied with this answer. They agreed to leave sometime the next day, once the mantel of command had been transferred. Luke planned that they would once again travel by X-Wing. At the first mention of their voyage, Luke had sensed his sister's desire to take the Falcon this time. Luke knew he could even do well enough piloting it himself. However, he knew that taking it would be a mistake. It stirred so many emotions in both of them, and would put them in the wrong frame of mind for what lay ahead once they arrived on Dagobah. 

* * *

Luke and Leia had spent just a few days on Dagobah when Luke decided his sister was ready to face whatever might be waiting for her in the cave. She had excelled at all of his other tests, from levitation to proper lightsaber usage. Luke was most anxious to see how Leia would do in this part of the training, a part Luke considered himself to have failed.

It was early when Luke led Leia from their usual training area and nearer to the cave. The walk was not that long, but once they arrived he suggested they sit down for a few minutes. He had hoped to make conversation, but knew Leia's mind was already on the task at hand. Finally, he pointed briefly toward the cave and said, "It's time for you to go in there."

"Okay," Leia answered simply, and stood up. Without any further word from her brother, Leia took her lightsaber from its ring on her belt and gave it to Luke. She then turned and walked toward the opening of the cave. Leia's eyes showed some fear and uncertainty, but she didn't hesitate in her steps. Luke stood, fixed his gaze on the mouth of the cave, and kept it there even after Leia had disappeared inside.

As soon as Leia stepped inside the cave, she wrapped her arms around herself, though it did nothing to truly ward off the chill that enveloped her. Slowly, she walked forward, wondering what she was meant to find here… Or what was meant to find her. It was so dark that her eyes took what seemed like forever to adjust. Only then did she increase the pace of her steps, dropping her arms to her sides as she walked. Her heart began to race as she sensed something, not in front of her but behind.

Leia turned around, her jaw set in determination. She heard someone approaching. The unmistakable hum of a lightsaber filled the chill air. In another instant, the angry red of her son's unique saber lit the confined space of the cave. Leia gasped, but for the moment remained in place, waiting to see what may come next. Her son appeared to her in his mask, which surprised her. At the same time, she was relieved not to have to look into her only child's eyes.

When Leia didn't turn to try and flee, the figure before her rushed forward, brandishing his lightsaber before him, raised to chest level. Barely taking a moment to think, Leia closed her eyes, and willed her own mind to remember that what was before her was a false vision. She willed it away with every ounce of her strength, still expecting to feel the lightsaber being driven through her body. When this didn't happen, she dared open her eyes and look around. She found herself alone once again, surrounded by faint wisps of smoke that were distinct from the ever-present cold mist.

Leia took a pair of hesitant steps toward the mouth of the cave, expecting the ground to open up beneath her, or that someone else would appear. When neither thing happened, she kept walking forward, so glad to emerge into the relative brightness that existed outside the cave. Only then could Leia look to see where Luke was. They locked eyes in a matter of seconds. She could see the pain in his eyes…. and the tears running down his face. It was only then that Leia let herself feel the anguish of what had just happened. How deeply the pain ran, in the hearts of both sister and brother.

Leia nearly ran to close the remaining distance between herself and her sibling. Once she had reached him, they embraced for long moments, as Leia began to cry as well. For what seemed like ages, they couldn't speak. Even after they stood apart and their tears had eased, there seemed to be no words either of them could say out loud. At last, Luke took Leia's hands carefully, as if he were afraid he might break them.

"You couldn't have done better. I'm so proud of you. I could see everything you saw…. I'm so sorry. I hope you know that if this hadn't been so important, I wouldn't have told you…."

Leia hugged her brother again briefly, then released him so she could look into his eyes before speaking. "Of course I know I had to do this," she said gently. "I agreed to coming here to Dagobah from the moment you suggested it. I'll be fine. I… I love you so much, and I'm glad you're here."

Leia shed a few more quiet tears as Luke slipped one arm firmly around his sister's shoulders, leading her gently away from the cave. "I love you too, Leia." He wanted to say more, but knew there were no other words that could help her more now. "I love you so much." 

* * *

Following her return from Dagobah with her brother, Leia spent most of her time for the next several weeks tending to her duties as general. A temporary break in Leia's Jedi training wasn't talked about, but Luke sensed the respite was necessary on his sister's part. He knew it was best to bide his time and wait for Leia to approach him with any question of how her training would continue.

During this time, Leia and Rey began to spend more time together. The younger woman welcomed the chance to learn anything she could through watchfulness as well as conversation. She was surprised by how much she enjoyed the company. After so many years living in solitude on Jakku, she had expected to feel awkward surrounded by so many other people.

For her part, Leia seemed even more grateful for the company than Rey did. The general was mostly surrounded by people who were her subordinates. Their relationships couldn't properly be called friendly. Not that she normally regretted the lack of confidantes. Over the years, Leia had become very adept at keeping her own counsel. She had a natural quiet about her that others knew not to intrude upon. Due to both her Force power and natural human instinct, Rey sensed this aspect of Leia's personality very strongly early on. However, she couldn't always keep herself from asking questions she knew were better left unspoken. One of these was about what had happened the last time Leia had left D'Qar.

Over the weeks, Rey asked this several times, each time being met with silence from Leia. Now, she asked again, only to be rewarded with the same uncomfortable silence. She saw annoyance in Leia's face…. and a trace of anger. Seeing this, she hastened to speak.

"I'm sorry I keep asking you the same thing. I can't explain why, but it's important that I know. Unless it's supposed to stay a secret."

"Not anymore, no," Leia said gently. "Now that it's done, I don't think it matters if I tell you. It's hard for me…. I know you aren't trying to pry. I don't talk about.."

"I understand." Rey whispered, suddenly nervous. "If you're worried that I'll tell other people, I wouldn't do that."

"I know that, too." Though her mind was firmly on the events of the cave now, Leia made herself smile, to help put Rey at ease. Then, she walked toward the doorway of the headquarters, beckoning Rey to follow.

Once they were up the stairs and outside, Leia began to talk. Rey seemed to know better than to interrupt with even a single word. Shortly, Leia had told the entire story of the events in the cave on Dagobah. Rey gasped near the end, though she knew that Leia's son had only been a vision. No wonder Leia had been so reluctant to speak of it. Rey felt only regret and sorrow.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you." Rey's voice was full of the sound of tears, but none fell. Hesitantly, she looked into Leia's face, hoping to be forgiven.

"It's all right, really." The pair paused in their steps for just a moment or two as Leia took one of Rey's hands in both of her own, clasping it for just an instant. Then they walked on. "It actually feels good to tell someone else. Luke knows, of course, but we haven't talked about it since. He's worried that what happened on Dagobah has made me too afraid to finish the Jedi training."

Rey instantly realized Leia hadn't confided this fact to anyone but her. She paused, thinking of what to say. Hoping that she didn't sound foolish, since she obviously knew nothing of proper Jedi training.

"Maybe that was the hardest part, though. Don't you think so?"

"I'm hoping. I don't intend to give up. I will finish. Luke would be so disappointed if I didn't. I started this because it's the right thing to do. That hasn't changed."

"I'm glad. I think you should be proud of yourself. Luke is proud of you, too."

Leia couldn't suppress a smile. "Yes, he is. He's said so, even though I already knew. It means so much to him to see me succeed."

Leia and Rey talked quietly just a short while longer. They then turned back to go inside. Only then did they see Luke standing at the top of the stairs, watching them. As they drew nearer, Leia was glad to see a smile on his face. A small smile, but it was enough. Before the trio went indoors, Leia spoke softly once more, informing her brother of her wish to continue her Jedi training. Luke face turned solemn, but Leia knew he was happy as he nodded at her words. As they went inside, Luke felt as though an unbearable weight had been lifted from him. 

* * *

The very next day, Leia's training resumed. Luke seemed most concerned that Leia work on her lightsaber skills. This was the thing Leia was most leery of. They both had the events in the cave resting on them like a pall. The longer it lingered, the worse it would get. Leia approached her individual exercises eagerly, wanting to conquer the fear that followed her. It was taking up more of her thoughts each day rather than less.

Finally came the day that Luke said they would practice one-on-one. He took his blue lightsaber from the ring on his own belt and turned it on. He waited for Leia to respond in kind. She did so, her purple blade blazing to life. She raised the blade and took her opening stance. Luke saw the hesitation in her eyes. He pressed on, not wanting to give in to his sister's fear and postpone things further.

At first, Leia's reactions were still hesitant, the motions of both her body and her saber seconds too slow. To spur his sister on, Luke began to press his advantage, becoming a bit more aggressive to force her to react. In moments, Leia was exhibiting the perfect lightsaber skills Luke had expected to see. She anticipated his every move, and was able to block every attempt to put her on the defensive.

Luke then made his final move. He stopped just short of bringing the saber close enough to do Leia any physical harm. He watched her face carefully, and couldn't have been more pleased. She didn't even flinch as she brought her saber around to cleanly block his advance. In the next instant, his saber flew from his hand, not striking the floor until it was in a far corner.

Leia turned her lightsaber off and placed it on her belt, allowing herself the smallest of smiles. "I win," she said, not quite keeping the pride she felt out of her tone. She knew pride was frowned upon among the Jedi in particular, and hoped it would be forgiven. At her words, Luke couldn't keep himself from laughing.

"Yes, you beat me. As if you expected any less!" Luke paused a moment as he went to retrieve his lightsaber, turning it off and returning it to his belt. When he walked back, he stepped close to his sister, resting his hands on her shoulders.

"You did such a great job. I haven't told you, but you must realize by now that this was your final test. There isn't anything else I can teach you. Your powers will still grow, if you let them. But you don't need me to guide you in the same way from now on."

Luke expected a happy reaction from his sister, but that wasn't what he got. Instead, she frowned, her eyes registering surprise. "This was it? I thought this was to prepare me for something more. Your final test was so much more… Why isn't something like that expected of me?"

Luke sighed, not wanting to answer the question, yet knowing he had no choice. "It isn't necessary," he said, trying to hide his emotion behind more formal speech. "You've done such a fine job all along. You have nothing more to prove, Leia."

Leia's eyes flashed briefly with something that couldn't exactly be called anger. More like suspicion. Suspicion that she was being lied to.

"I think you forget that I know what you saw in the cave yourself. You told me years ago. Do you think I don't know what your final test was? Having to tell me that you were going to face our father, and then leaving me. Leaving me to wonder if the person I'd just found out was my brother would ever come back! You expect me to believe what you saw in the cave and what actually happened aren't connected? Really, I am not that stupid, Luke!"

"No, you aren't. Perhaps, if you had a different master, they would expect you to confront your own child. I can't ask you to do that. I don't think that's your destiny at all. It isn't why you've gone through all of this and expected so much of yourself. Is it?"

This was only half a question, because Luke already knew the answer. Leia shook her head instantly. "No, it isn't. I did it for myself, because it felt right. And just a little bit of it was to please you…. to show you what a great teacher you could be."

Luke smiled, but there were tears glistening in his eyes. "Thank you for saying that." He hugged his sister briefly. "I couldn't be more proud of you."

Leia surprised even herself by blushing slightly. "I'm so glad I made you happy," she said in a whisper that held the sound of tears. They stepped apart a bit as Luke spoke. "Just don't get too used to besting me. I'll give it a few days, but I request a rematch!"

"Sore loser." Leia teased back with a smile. "Admit it, you can't stand being beaten by a woman!"

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, not really."

"Oh, just shut up!" Luke couldn't help laughing out loud at the exasperated look on this sister's face. They very shortly parted ways, hugging each other good bye for the time being. Leia had duties to return to. It was hours yet until dark, and Luke decided to have a short walk to get some fresh air. 

* * *

Late that night, well after dark, Luke still laid awake. He'd been waiting hours to hear the sounds of his sibling going into her room down the hall. He knew it must be nearing midnight. Quietly, he rose, taking his cloak from its hook on the wall and putting it on. He was surprised when he walked out to the command center and saw no sign of Leia. Several people who were still there looked up as he entered. One walked over to where he stood.

"If you're looking for the General, I last saw her heading outside, not that long ago. If you'd like me to go find her for you.."

"No, I'll look for her myself, thanks."

"You're welcome, sir." Without further discussion, the staff member returned to his duties. Luke headed up the stairs and outside. The base was large, and if Leia was out walking, it may be a while until Luke found her. However, he had taken just a few steps when something made him turn and look over his shoulder. His eyes came to rest on the Millennium Falcon parked beside several other crafts in the Resistance fleet.

Luke walked rapidly toward the ship, not sensing anything was wrong. Still, he was a little worried. As soon as he'd walked up the ramp and entered the ship, Luke saw Leia. Sitting in the captain's chair, staring out at the darkness.

"Leia, are you all right?" Luke spoke in a whisper, but his sister was still startled by the sound. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"I couldn't sleep. I come here to think sometimes. It makes me feel better."

Luke didn't admit that he knew his sister hadn't been to bed yet. "I'm glad it helps you to be here. I wouldn't have thought so."

"I know. I thought being here would make me miss Han more, but it doesn't. Sometimes, it feels like he's here too."

"How many times have you come here?" Luke didn't sound concerned, just surprised that he hadn't realized it.

"A few. I'll be fine, really. I'll come inside after a while."

Luke took the cue that Leia wanted to be left in peace. Before he turned to go, he took off his cloak and held it out to her. "Take this, it's cold out here. I'll be fine in just my tunic for the short walk back."

Without further discussion, Leia took the cloak and stood to put it on. She hugged her brother before he left. Once she was alone again, she settled back in the captain's seat. With slow, deliberate movements, she wrapped herself in the cloak so that her face was almost completely obscured and her hands were tucked inside. Then, she sighed and closed her eyes. In moments, Leia was fast asleep.


End file.
